Insider — my favorite source for terrible bisexual essays — has a new take on the bi experience (that was syndicated to MSN but is still an Insider essay, the media ecosystem is weird). Theoretically I should love it — the conclusion is that bi women are great! — and yet I find myself feeling… ick… while reading it.
Let me back up: the piece is about dating as a bisexual man. More specifically, the piece is about why bisexual man Mark Cusack chooses not to date straight women. His reasons aren’t totally off-base: straight women, he argues, are more likely to be biphobic, incapable of understanding what it is to be queer, more likely to adhere to heteronormative gender roles, and totally unfamiliar with what it means to come out to family — making the process of coming out to a straight woman’s family that much more uncomfortable.
Take away some of the bi-specific details and these are basically the reasons why people tend to prefer in-group relationships: we want partners who understand us. We want partners who won’t be prejudiced against us. We want partners whose families have already accepted them, and thus can accept us automatically. It’s not really about being straight or bi or any of that, it’s about seeing familiarity.
Which is why it is not actually a surprise that the piece ends with this celebration of bi women:
Finally, the main reason you won’t see me dating straight women is that there are too many gorgeous bi women in this world.
When I connect with a bisexual woman, something magical happens. We relate through shared experience, we honor each other’s masculine and feminine traits, we feel protected from toxic assumptions, and we express our deepest authenticity together.
To be appreciated for the whole man that I am by a woman who owns the spectrum of her sexuality is electrifying. Bi people get made to feel so unworthy, so when we get together, it’s incredible.
Now, like I said, I’m supposed to feel flattered by this. It’s all about how great my people are! How we see the whole self of other bisexuals! How we validate the fullness of other bisexuals’ experiences! It’s honestly similar to stuff I’ve personally said about why I prefer dating bi women to lesbians*, and yet —
I should note here that I do come to this discussion with some baggage. Twenty years ago I was fresh out of an abusive relationship with a bisexual man; a bisexual man who ostensibly bonded with me over our shared queerness but also exploited my personal bisexuality for his own selfish gains. Does it make me feel a bit objectified when a bisexual man — whose experience of bisexuality fundamentally isn’t the same as mine, because gender truly is a major factor in how we experience sexuality — gets super excited about our supposed shared experience of marginalization?
Well, yes. I’m too aware of all the ways that bisexual men, and especially bisexual cis men, can still be men who date women, with all the power and privilege that that entails. Certainly, not all bisexual cis men choose to wield that power — and the more gender non-conforming they are, the harder it can be for them to do so — but the possibility is always there.
Which isn’t to let bisexual women off the hook, by the way: sometimes we suck too! To be a bisexual woman is not automatically to tap into some deep well of empathy and understanding about the queer experience. It is simply… to be a woman who is attracted to multiple genders.
And I guess, ultimately — I guess the thing that weirds me out about the essay is just this automatic assumption of bisexuality, of queerness, as conveying some deep moral worth. There’s nothing inherently moral about not being straight. There’s nothing morally clarifying about being queer in a heterocentric world. I’m sorry that this dude has dated a lot of shitty straight women, and I don’t think that he has any obligation to date straight women in the future. But I just — I guess I just think that this “celebration” of bi women by bi men, or bi men by bi women, is just another form of fetishization. And it’s always going to make me feel somewhat uncomfortable.
*This is a purely theoretical statement given that the only woman I have experienced mutual attraction with in years was a lesbian. I actually am fine with dating lesbians, I just steel myself for their biphobia and am relieved when it is not present.
Leave a Reply